Here is a TED talk that a dear friend just shared with me last night.
I definitely struggled to dismiss this talk when I first watched it, thinking that I of course was vulnerable and that I was living the way this woman professes to be important...no work for me to do here. Ack! Quite the contrary! Being in Ithaca these past few weeks have been both incredible and incredibly difficult. I've confronted some family issues, received heartbreaking news, seen triumph through that, traveled a total of 30 hours to share in the celebration of two wonderful weddings, watched as God provided my husband with a TAship at the eleventh hour (and gave us a stipend, free health insurance, and FREE tuition for the semester...WHAT?!!?), cuddled (or tried to cuddle) our daughter as she continues to work through SO many transitions, new teeth, weather changes, long car rides, and new scenery, visited with old friends from Hamilton, and...read through my transcript for the first time in 3.5 years.
Now, I know that the last is silly...and the fact that it would actually cause as much personal struggle as it did yesterday (and even today) is indicative of how much I need to process this talk and actually spend the time when I'm not taking care of Maddy opening up, reflecting, and learning, rather than deflecting with Hulu as I so often do. My GPA is not grand, my major GPA is even less grand, I've been applying for jobs here since May and even receptionist positions are alluding me. Not only these things, but I am feeling directionless in terms of career, motivation to attempt new things is nowhere to be found, and I feel like most of my time is spent doing things that I can view as burdensome and difficult - making meals, worrying about food allergies, changing diapers, interpreting cries, and trying not to feel guilty when putting our daughter down for a nap and she doesn't think she needs one.
When I think about the possibility of going back to school, some of my years at Colgate seem a waste - why oh why did I not pay more attention or spend more time in my science classes? Better yet, why oh why did I even jump into cellular studies without even considering my passions. When I think about how "low" I am now, it's easy to think that this has everything to do with my lack of effort. Ok, let's stop for a minute here. What's most frightening about that last statement? Not the thought that I didn't work my butt off in college and just had a rough go of some classes (and I didn't try as hard as I could in the first year too, that's true)...No, the more troubling thing to me is that I find myself struggling internally with this idea that what I am doing now is LOW. The idea that a person's value comes from her achievements alone is something I thought I had addressed long ago. What a laugh!
And where does this devaluation come from? Oh, I'm sure I could write a whole book series on the research that's been done around social dynamics and the push for women to not only be a mother, but also an individual that holds a 9-5 job and receives promotions, etc. But, I think the main issue I want to look into here is what causes me not to find JOY in what I'm doing now? Why am I struggling with rebellion from this lifestyle so much? And why now do I squander away my time so easily...and frequently?
Do I have answers? HECK no. Do I think this is going to be something that changes in the near future? Um, it would be nice, but no. I told Dan when we first started looking for jobs that I really thought I wasn't supposed to have one right now. I thought I was being lazy and just trying to convince myself that I didn't need to send in too many applications. But, several applications and no job later, I am realizing that my rebellion from being at home, taking care of my kiddo alone, and letting God take care of me while I watch my husband fulfill his DREAM (which is both exhilarating and challenging) is just what I need to be letting go, even though I really do not want to.
All this from a 3 hour conversation and a transcript last night. I have much more processing to do and I fear that these next posts will be my place for spouting out that processing. But, I promise to also include pictures and videos that are probably much more enjoyable for you all...like this:
I've been told TED talks are amazing and intend on starting to watch them more frequently instead of the trashy stuff I've been watching lately to pass time.
No comments:
Post a Comment