I was recently asked, "When do you feel most alive?"
The truthful answer is, "Not very often" these days. I'd like that not to be the answer because I fear judgment that could come or recommendations to keep looking for the opportunities to rejoice every day. While I believe there is room for those suggestions, I have experienced the deep satisfaction and inexplicable joy that come from being able to do what we are designed to do, and as a result, can now recognize that there are few moments when time slips away so quickly because I am engrossed in an activity or conversation I'm passionate about. Please understand, at this stage, I am not feeling discontentment in the sense that I pine after life in San Francisco or desire to the point of obsession, different opportunities I can not currently experience. There are so many blessings I have seen come out of this stage of life that I can not ignore its importance. Certainly, seeing Maddy learning how to interact with others and develop her imagination brings an incredible amount of joy, as do the fruits of being able to support Dan as he pursues his dream as well as the quickly deepening community we've experienced. The fact that we have seen so much provision over the past year in so many aspects of life can not be ignored.
But, the fact remains - I so often do not feel "ALIVE".
I was struck by this reality when I came home from my set-painting extravaganza for our middle school musical rehearsal this past week. I am not really the most creative individual and one look at my painting abilities would give you a clear indication that if you just keep it simple, straight lines, not a lot of shading, and some little things here and there, I can make it happen.... any more than that and I'm sunk. But, I was working with three high school girls who filled in all those gaps for me. Together, we created these visions I had in my head for six backdrops - ranging from a school set to three different Biblical scenes - and I was able to watch them run with ideas, create HUGE pieces of art, and spend hours and hours perfecting even the smallest of details because they so loved the opportunity to create together. I came home so incredibly jazzed by the experience - partially because seeing what I have in my brain actually come out in the end is something that RARELY happens, but mainly because I was able to work for hours with these three girls who could have easily been enjoying their Spring Breaks at home, yet chose instead to share the time with me, shooting around ideas, scrapping them, starting again, painting, schlepping around twenty paint cans, starting again, painting some more, encouraging one another, laughing, seriously studying our designs, and trying to nicely "let me down" when something I had done and knew was total crap needed to be refinished.
THAT is one of the few times I've felt really alive recently - I think I actually told Dan it made me feel like I wanted to do set design for the rest of my life, even though I know that's just not true.
Another came a month ago and was echoed this past weekend when we actually did a full run through of the show. After weeks and weeks of rehearsing, those moments when I felt like the biggest ogre and slave driver for strongly encouraging kids to learn their song lyrics and to be respectful, and even after needing to use my "Ms Harsh" tone for a kid who just didn't want to listen...those kids just about made me cry, and not because I wanted to quit. This is my first time ever being in charge of musical direction and one of the songs had some harmonies in it that I just dreaded - I am AWFUL at picking out harmonies and trying to teach 15 boys and 3 girls how to do that seemed nigh impossible. In fact, I totally advocated for cutting that song. But, wouldn't you know, despite all the grief they gave me the first week I even attempted to teach this song, those kids whined and complained that we were cutting their "favorite and most interesting" song. OF COURSE!
So, the work began - we worked on those four measures of harmony (oh yeah, that's all it was) for probably about thirty minutes one day - everything from the notes themselves to finding them in the void of the rest of the musical phrase, and being able to actually hit them dead on as a group so it was not hair-rippingly terrible when they were nervous. And then we sang through that song and those kids NAILED it again and again! And I just about cried. And then I just about cried again this weekend when they hit that harmony on the song during our run-through. (Maybe it's the pregnancy hormones?) I'm hoping it continues to sound wonderful next week for our performances. But to be honest, I've been fulfilled just seeing the kids do something I really just didn't think they would be able to do (and nearly did not even give them the opportunity to do): bust out this wonderfully cheesy tune and harmonize together well, even if only for the past few weeks.
THAT is another moment when I've flet really alive recently - mainly because these kids give me the harmonizing goosebumps and proved that I needed to let go and let them do what THEY were excited about - to wonderful effect.
This is just a funny aside: There was another part of harmony at the end of the same song that I taught our strongest singers (not really wanting to take them all through this half-hour journey yet again), and wouldn't you know...there are so many strong followers in that group, that because the three of them sing it loud and on pitch, the rest of that group now sings the remaining harmonies without even really knowing that's what they are doing. Muaha!
Anyway, all this to say, while there may not be many extended moments when I feel truly ALIVE these days, there are certainly some very distinct ones and I would be remiss without noting and being thankful for them. Through both, I've gained the opportunity to do things I believe I was truly designed to do, peppered with several moments of challenge and growth for tasks I was not necessarily inately designed. These moments give me hope for these more extensive challenging situations that truly require God's grace because I am just not made with the patience or passion for the jobs laid before me - knowing that the fruit of these situations will eventually present themselves, even if not to me or in my lifetime.
So, for now, I think and wait - grabbing onto even small moments when I can communicate my passions while learning from others and looking forward to the days when those small moments will again stretch longer, and longer, and longer. During those moments that I hope and long for, I hope to look back and be able to more fully appreciate the privilege of feeling "ALIVE".
