Vulnerability

Here is a TED talk that a dear friend just shared with me last night.

Brene Brown: The power of vulnerability | Video on TED.com

I definitely struggled to dismiss this talk when I first watched it, thinking that I of course was vulnerable and that I was living the way this woman professes to be important...no work for me to do here. Ack! Quite the contrary! Being in Ithaca these past few weeks have been both incredible and incredibly difficult. I've confronted some family issues, received heartbreaking news, seen triumph through that, traveled a total of 30 hours to share in the celebration of two wonderful weddings, watched as God provided my husband with a TAship at the eleventh hour (and gave us a stipend, free health insurance, and FREE tuition for the semester...WHAT?!!?), cuddled (or tried to cuddle) our daughter as she continues to work through SO many transitions, new teeth, weather changes, long car rides, and new scenery, visited with old friends from Hamilton, and...read through my transcript for the first time in 3.5 years.

Now, I know that the last is silly...and the fact that it would actually cause as much personal struggle as it did yesterday (and even today) is indicative of how much I need to process this talk and actually spend the time when I'm not taking care of Maddy opening up, reflecting, and learning, rather than deflecting with Hulu as I so often do. My GPA is not grand, my major GPA is even less grand, I've been applying for jobs here since May and even receptionist positions are alluding me. Not only these things, but I am feeling directionless in terms of career, motivation to attempt new things is nowhere to be found, and I feel like most of my time is spent doing things that I can view as burdensome and difficult - making meals, worrying about food allergies, changing diapers, interpreting cries, and trying not to feel guilty when putting our daughter down for a nap and she doesn't think she needs one.

When I think about the possibility of going back to school, some of my years at Colgate seem a waste - why oh why did I not pay more attention or spend more time in my science classes? Better yet, why oh why did I even jump into cellular studies without even considering my passions. When I think about how "low" I am now, it's easy to think that this has everything to do with my lack of effort. Ok, let's stop for a minute here. What's most frightening about that last statement? Not the thought that I didn't work my butt off in college and just had a rough go of some classes (and I didn't try as hard as I could in the first year too, that's true)...No, the more troubling thing to me is that I find myself struggling internally with this idea that what I am doing now is LOW. The idea that a person's value comes from her achievements alone is something I thought I had addressed long ago. What a laugh!

And where does this devaluation come from? Oh, I'm sure I could write a whole book series on the research that's been done around social dynamics and the push for women to not only be a mother, but also an individual that holds a 9-5 job and receives promotions, etc. But, I think the main issue I want to look into here is what causes me not to find JOY in what I'm doing now? Why am I struggling with rebellion from this lifestyle so much? And why now do I squander away my time so easily...and frequently?

Do I have answers? HECK no. Do I think this is going to be something that changes in the near future? Um, it would be nice, but no. I told Dan when we first started looking for jobs that I really thought I wasn't supposed to have one right now. I thought I was being lazy and just trying to convince myself that I didn't need to send in too many applications. But, several applications and no job later, I am realizing that my rebellion from being at home, taking care of my kiddo alone, and letting God take care of me while I watch my husband fulfill his DREAM (which is both exhilarating and challenging) is just what I need to be letting go, even though I really do not want to.

All this from a 3 hour conversation and a transcript last night. I have much more processing to do and I fear that these next posts will be my place for spouting out that processing. But, I promise to also include pictures and videos that are probably much more enjoyable for you all...like this:

I've been told TED talks are amazing and intend on starting to watch them more frequently instead of the trashy stuff I've been watching lately to pass time.

The Last Week

Since last week, Maddy has gained 10 oz, been to the pediatricians again, made it through a game of Battlestar Gallactica with friends, met the generous friends who have brought us meals and company, and continued to be a very chill baby girl. Here are some of the moments we captured this week.

Chilling on Dad's lap in her onesie from aunt Nicole and uncle Ben.

Wrapped up like a little burrito (a baby burrito) in her pack n play

On our way to the pediatrician's office on Friday (clean bill of health and LOTS of weight gained - woohoo!)

Some tummy time with mom.

Daddy posing Maddy for some pictures =)

Her favorite napping chair from the Maos. She LOVES this chair.

I think she was about to stretch, but this picture cracks me up!

Woke up on Sunday to find her beanie like this..haha!

Sigh...life is SO hard ;)

Checking out the new world of toys and mobiles with the boppy pillow play area.

Bath time on Sunday night.

More play time

Sleepy sleep time

Chilling on her tummy

CRAZY hair after Dad gave her a bath on Tuesday night.

I love this picture. =)

And this one is funny since it happened literally two seconds after the previous one!

Chilling with Mom on Wednesday morning -just checking each other out.

Our first bath, doctor's visit and skype with Oma and Opa

People from the church are coming by to bring us meals over the next couple of weeks - which we are incredibly grateful for! Tonight, our dear friends the Lockes - Kathy, Jeff, Jonas, and little Penny - brought us a meal consisting of a delicious squash and chicken soup. YUMM!
Jonas checking out our bunny. Jonas is a both excited to see the rabbit and scared of it..resulting in this incredibly cute dance of "hello bunny" poking his fingers in the cage to shrieking and running away
Jeff, Jonas, me and Maddy - thank you for the delicious meal and care Lockes =)

Talking to Oma and Opa in Wisconsin via Skype. We took a little while to figure out how it all worked and Maddy was REALLY hungry, so we had to try to stave off hunger with her binkie. It worked for a little while, but then it was FOOD TIME!
Tummy time on the quilt from Granny and Oma =)
Family picture before Joe came over to hang out.
Using out new stroller and the car seat...off to see Dr Simons for our first pediatrician's visit. Dr. Simons is AMAZING due to many factors, one of which is his office decor (according to Dan haha) which includes an electric train running around the top of the reception area.
First sponge bath...accompanied with the sound of spilling water off the side of the table..oh wait..that was Maddy peeing.
All clean =)

Our first day out as a family =)

Today we decided to take an outing..just to blow the stink off and get out of the house. Dan's been really good about making sure that we all are keeping active. So, today we made the trip across the park and up to Haight Ashbury so that we could go to the music store for some Simon and Garfukle tunes for the piano and some art supplies from the craft store. We used this Moby wrap that I bought so that we didn't have to stroll her around the somewhat crowded street and gave Dan the closest sensation he will have to being pregnant. Maddie was content the whole time, just taking things in and remaining super chill. It's beautiful here in the city, so the sun shone and we were able to see the Blue Angels flying overhead while we walked around the park and up to the stores. We ended the outing by heading to our corner coffee shop for some chai before heading home.

As I am sure these pictures show, Maddie is just the apple of her daddy's eye..he has completely fallen in love with her and is all to happy to play the piano for her, watch her sleep, or hold her throughout the day. =) We both can not help but keep thinking about how adorable she is and are so thankful that we both have time to spend getting to know her and each other even better. It's SO NICE that Dan has about 4.5weeks off now and shortly thereafter we'll be heading to the east coast to see all of our family for a month! We can't wait! Although we are so glad to be here surrounded by such a wonderful community, we are certainly sad that we can not be with family in person to share our moments of "oh my goodness, can you believe she was just two cells 9 months ago" and "wow, look what she just did" etc etc, not to mention just letting her be held by people who already love her so much. We were talking about that today and reflecting on how thankful we are that we have families who are already so very invested in our little girl...we just can't wait to let her meet you all!

Of course, it must be mentioned that before we could even get out of the house, we had to spend a good 20 minutes chasing bun bun around. Normally, he's pretty good about getting into his cage all on his own, but we think he knows he's not the center of cuteness attention anymore (not to mention that we just terrorized him with a neutering a couple weeks ago) and he's becoming rather defiant. Oh well, he's a teenager with a someone stealing his limelight...he'll just have to deal with it!

Thank you to Oma and Opa for the beautiful flowers! We're so excited to see you in a few weeks!! AHHHH!YAY!=D

Madelyn Erika Ludwinski

Welcome beautiful little girl!

Born: 1:02 pm on Thursday, 10/7/2010

Weight: 6 lbs 12 oz

Height: 19.5 inches

Story to come shortly!

San Bruno

A lot has happened over the past couple of weeks. We ended up taking a trip to Monterey over the Labor Day weekend and I'll definitely post pictures from that trip in the next few days. Right now, I'm alone in our apartment as Dan is on a retreat with other men from Christ Church up in Occidental, CA (a couple hours north of SF) during tonight and Saturday. I'm realizing this is the first time that I've been here by myself since February, even though I've been on many adventures since then both on my own and with Dan - traveling to Puerto Rico and the Sierras with kids from SFDS, taking a long vacation to visit family in Wisconsin, Pennsylvania, Virginia, and Indiana, retreating to Tahoe and Monterey, and making a stop in Wyoming for good measure. I definitely am missing Dan tonight and wishing that two nights did not seem like such a long time. So, I've decided to pass some of the time listening to Sara Bareilles' new album and write a bit.

If I was asked to use one word to describe tonight's tone, I would choose "melancholy". Reflecting back on the year brings great joy and an overwhelming sense of thankfulness without doubt. However, accompanying these feelings is a sense of loss as well, and I am taking pause to simply recognize this loss. On Sunday, I'll be saying goodbye to yet another wonderful friend I met only a year ago - this is my second close friend who has left the city in the past six months. I find myself having to struggle not to fall into a slump, feeling like each relationship that has finally felt natural here has ended so abruptly with the other individual leaving the city - I definitely question why these are the people that have left...and why I've had to actually be close to them. Yesterday, I stopped by my old school around 5pm, thinking that only faculty would still be around and I could easily slip in and out as I returned camping gear we borrowed. To my surprise, many of my old students were just finished athletic practices. I never want to diminish the incredible feeling that rushes over me when I actually have the opportunity to interact with the individuals who have taught me so very much and who I value so highly. The excitement on their faces alone was enough to make my week. But, I think the unexpectedness of these wonderful hugs and brief moments to catch up left my heart hurting. I realized just how much I missed one of the only communities in SF that remained somewhat consistent for me over the past two years - and certainly served as my family away from family - I have yet to have a good cry about this particularly difficult and huge goodbye.

Sometimes I do wonder how many people your heart allows you to grow close with. When I consider the many individuals who have affected me so deeply and how often I've had to say goodbye to wonderful friendships...it's hard to think that many of these may not be the "see you later" goodbyes I have often hoped they would be. And even for those goodbyes that have been of the "see you later" variety, I wonder how many will blossom yet again with a face-to-face interaction. Sometimes, waiting for these relationships to come back is just difficult and taxing.

Weighing more heavily on the night, however, are the events that transpired over the past 24 hours, leaving the lives of many in a heap of ashes and ruin. Last night, around 6:30pm, Dan and I drove to an area about an hour south of San Francisco to babysit for a couple during their first Date Night together in ages. On our way down the 101, we noticed an orange-tinted cloud that rose in the distance as we exited the city. The view was stunning and we wondered what could be causing such a strange cloud in an otherwise clear evening sky. As we continued to drive down the highway, we noticed the cloud was continually growing from a point to the east and soon discovered that it was billowing from an enormous ball of fire that grew along the landscape. Dan immediately turned the radio station to our local traffic report as I sat, stunned by the gut-wrenching, but captivating sight. Planes circled overhead, spilling water over the inferno, though the act seemed to do little if any good, as the flames continued to grow and billow. "I've never seen anything like that.....and I never want to again" were Dan's sentiments as we began to leave the devastating view behind. At the time, no one knew the cause - some believed a plane had crashed as the airport lies nearby, others speculated that an earthquake had shattered a gas line, but no one was certain.

After putting the little ones to bed and making sure that each were asleep, we turned on the news to hear more about the tragedy. By the time we tuned in, reporters stated that 53 homes were destroyed (now revised to 38 with 7 that were severely damaged) and upwards of 120 were somewhat damaged by the flames. 3 firefighters were treated for smoke inhalation, 4 were reported dead, and numerous others were treated for burns, smoke inhalation, and other injuries throughout the Bay Area. Although Pacific Gas and Electric (PG&E) have only just begun their investigation into what has now been determined a gas line explosion caused by something other than a "natural" disaster (such as an earthquake), many of the residents came forward as early as last night, saying that they had been contacting the company about the smell of gas for a few days, if not weeks. Of course, these claims have yet to be verified.

Regardless, for me, this whole event seems as though it will unearth similar negligence as what was discovered as a result of the BP oil spill. Of course, hind sight is always 20/20 and we are often so quick to point fingers without hearing the whole story. But, I do have to wonder about the reasons for the many gas line explosions that have occurred over the past few years. Some say that these are the result of company negligence as lines have not been inspected or repaired as needed. I definitely want to get into this topic more later because, as it is already 11:30pm here, I don't think I can do it justice at the moment. But, I do think there is much to be said about our nation's struggle with the downsides of capitalism and our current responsibility to respond to these realities. More later. For now...bed!

Sunny San Francisco

As I have shared with many of you, San Francisco is not the sunny beacon of warmth that most people envision when they come here between the months of June and September. In fact, these are usually the most fog ridden and chilly days of the year and leave a lot to be desired in the way of true summer weather. I would actually rather take the humidity of the East Coast/Midwest summers to this. Because this is also tourist season and most tourists are unaware of this reality, Dan and I get a pretty good kick out of seeing the clothing choices of people who come here for their summer sun. Tell-tale sign of a tourist: A girl or guy walking around in shorts and sandals and an obviously brand-new I Love San Francisco/Giants/Alcatraz hoodied sweatshirt. For those of you who do end up deciding to come to San Francisco in the summer be advised: prepare for some 40-50 degree weather, pack a winter jacket and scarf, and bring ONE pair of shorts that you may, if you are lucky, have the grand opportunity to wear....once.

With all that said, I am generally stoked about the days when I can leave the apartment with only a sweater, let alone shorts and a tanktop. Enter Monday and Tuesday of this week. San Francisco was graced with extremely rare summer weather: 85-90 degrees, SUN, and hardly a cloud in the sky. It was absolutely glorious, though I will admit a little challenging because very few businesses or buildings have air-conditioning in the city. But, I could spend the day in my shorts and tank, enjoying the heat and drinking cool liquids while relaxing after the weekend - awesome.

This heat wave was admittedly short lived - and I kid you not, the temperature dropped from 80-70 degrees in an hour on Wednesday(accompanied by an incredible rush of fog that clouded the city almost instantly!), went down to the mid 60s on Thursday, topped off at 60 degrees today, and tomorrow will be reaching nearly 55 degrees. Sad. But, I am hoping this means our fall will bring with it some warm weather (as it usually does) and some gorgeous, fog free days.

On Tuesday night, Dan came home and we decided that with this crystal clear evening (a rarity even during the rest of the year) and the warm temperatures, we needed to head to the beaches near the Golden Gate Bridge to watch the sunset. We've been trying to do regular date nights every week since I can be a home-body or we both get so excited about hanging out with our friends in the city that a week goes by and we realize we've barely spent any good quality time together. This was the perfect, spontaneous date night!

So, we called in for some gyros, hopped in the car, and took the drive out to the Bridge. After that, we headed to one of the tallest points in the city (Twin Peaks) to get a view of the city at night. Apparently that was everyone's idea as the look out points were packed, but boy was the view worth it. We ended the trip with a jaunt down to the Mission District and one of the most famous ice cream places in the city: Mitchell's Ice Cream. Usually the wait is long...so we were expecting to need some patience in this heat. But, when we arrived, they were serving number 58 and I pulled number 24. Now, I love ice cream, and Mitchell's especially, but waiting for 60 customers to be served seemed like a bit too much. So instead, we headed back to our corner store, grabbed some Mint Chocolate Hagan Daas, and ate it while watching the sci-fi movie "Serenity" (thanks for the recommendation Joe!). Here are some pictures from the evening. Again, sorry about the out of orderness -this blog isn't that great about formatting.

Dan's picture of the city from Twin Peaks - one of my favorites!

Dan and the Golden Gate Bridge. We were sitting on an old WWII bunker as we ate our gyros and watched the sun go down.

My pic of a flower near the Golden Gate Bridge - we're trying to get better at our photography skills without using too much editing. I really like how this one turned out.

Sunset over the Pacific and a HUGE ship. We weren't sure what the ship was carrying, though our guess was containers. Just looks a lot different than the barges and other container ships we see out here.

Me, getting ready to feast on a gyro! YUM

A self-portrait of Dan and I (and random person) at the Golden Gate Bridge.

Me, sporting my shorts, tank top, THIN sweater, and baby belly at the Golden Gate Bridge =)