Being Alive

I was recently asked, "When do you feel most alive?"


The truthful answer is, "Not very often" these days. I'd like that not to be the answer because I fear judgment that could come or recommendations to keep looking for the opportunities to rejoice every day. While I believe there is room for those suggestions, I have experienced the deep satisfaction and inexplicable joy that come from being able to do what we are designed to do, and as a result, can now recognize that there are few moments when time slips away so quickly because I am engrossed in an activity or conversation I'm passionate about. Please understand, at this stage, I am not feeling discontentment in the sense that I pine after life in San Francisco or desire to the point of obsession, different opportunities I can not currently experience. There are so many blessings I have seen come out of this stage of life that I can not ignore its importance. Certainly, seeing Maddy learning how to interact with others and develop her imagination brings an incredible amount of joy, as do the fruits of being able to support Dan as he pursues his dream as well as the quickly deepening community we've experienced. The fact that we have seen so much provision over the past year in so many aspects of life can not be ignored.

But, the fact remains - I so often do not feel "ALIVE".

I was struck by this reality when I came home from my set-painting extravaganza for our middle school musical rehearsal this past week. I am not really the most creative individual and one look at my painting abilities would give you a clear indication that if you just keep it simple, straight lines, not a lot of shading, and some little things here and there, I can make it happen.... any more than that and I'm sunk. But, I was working with three high school girls who filled in all those gaps for me. Together, we created these visions I had in my head for six backdrops - ranging from a school set to three different Biblical scenes - and I was able to watch them run with ideas, create HUGE pieces of art, and spend hours and hours perfecting even the smallest of details because they so loved the opportunity to create together. I came home so incredibly jazzed by the experience - partially because seeing what I have in my brain actually come out in the end is something that RARELY happens, but mainly because I was able to work for hours with these three girls who could have easily been enjoying their Spring Breaks at home, yet chose instead to share the time with me, shooting around ideas, scrapping them, starting again, painting, schlepping around twenty paint cans, starting again, painting some more, encouraging one another, laughing, seriously studying our designs, and trying to nicely "let me down" when something I had done and knew was total crap needed to be refinished.

THAT is one of the few times I've felt really alive recently - I think I actually told Dan it made me feel like I wanted to do set design for the rest of my life, even though I know that's just not true.

Another came a month ago and was echoed this past weekend when we actually did a full run through of the show. After weeks and weeks of rehearsing, those moments when I felt like the biggest ogre and slave driver for strongly encouraging kids to learn their song lyrics and to be respectful, and even after needing to use my "Ms Harsh" tone for a kid who just didn't want to listen...those kids just about made me cry, and not because I wanted to quit. This is my first time ever being in charge of musical direction and one of the songs had some harmonies in it that I just dreaded  - I am AWFUL at picking out harmonies and trying to teach 15 boys and 3 girls how to do that seemed nigh impossible. In fact, I totally advocated for cutting that song. But, wouldn't you know, despite all the grief they gave me the first week I even attempted to teach this song, those kids whined and complained that we were cutting their "favorite and most interesting" song. OF COURSE!

So, the work began - we worked on those four measures of harmony (oh yeah, that's all it was) for probably  about thirty minutes one day - everything from the notes themselves to finding them in the void of the rest of the musical phrase, and being able to actually hit them dead on as a group so it was not hair-rippingly terrible when they were nervous. And then we sang through that song and those kids NAILED it again and again! And I just about cried. And then I just about cried again this weekend when they hit that harmony on the song during our run-through. (Maybe it's the pregnancy hormones?) I'm hoping it continues to sound wonderful next week for our performances. But to be honest, I've been fulfilled just seeing the kids do something I really just didn't think they would be able to do (and nearly did not even give them the opportunity to do): bust out this wonderfully cheesy tune and harmonize together well, even if only for the past few weeks.

THAT is another moment when I've flet really alive recently - mainly because these kids give me the harmonizing goosebumps and proved that I needed to let go and let them do what THEY were excited about - to wonderful effect.

This is just a funny aside: There was another part of harmony at the end of the same song that I taught our strongest singers (not really wanting to take them all through this half-hour journey yet again), and wouldn't you know...there are so many strong followers in that group, that because the three of them sing it loud and on pitch, the rest of that group now sings the remaining harmonies without even really knowing that's what they are doing. Muaha!


Anyway, all this to say, while there may not be many extended moments when I feel truly ALIVE these days, there are certainly some very distinct ones and I would be remiss without noting and being thankful for them. Through both, I've gained the opportunity to do things I believe I was truly designed to do, peppered with several moments of challenge and growth for tasks I was not necessarily inately designed. These moments give me hope for these more extensive challenging situations that truly require God's grace because I am just not made with the patience or passion for the jobs laid before me  - knowing that the fruit of these situations will eventually present themselves, even if not to me or in my lifetime.


So, for now, I think and wait - grabbing onto even small moments when I can communicate my passions while learning from others and looking forward to the days when those small moments will again stretch longer, and longer, and longer. During those moments that I hope and long for, I hope to look back and be able to more fully appreciate the privilege of feeling "ALIVE".

The Year of Firsts

It has been a long time since I've sat down to write on our blog. Although the past few months have been very busy, contributing to the lack of writing here, the main factor that has been keeping me away is the reality that in writing this first blog entry, I acknowledge the fact that my dear Pappy will not be able to read what I'm writing. Although that may seem so simple, such a minute detail, the sorrow I have felt by his passing wells up most vividly and poignantly when I sit down to write.

My Pappy passed away suddenly in early February of this year. I had just seen him only a week prior as I sat in his living room, telling him about new potential job opportunities, the house that Dan, Maddy and I are going to move to next year, and the growth we've been going through over the past year. I listened as he shared his wisdom, ensuring me that no matter how difficult, marriages can work as long as both individuals choose to invest in and support the other. He was so excited about our house and so encouraging about the jobs. I listened as he shared his own adventures over the past weeks, recovering from heart surgery and progressing in the healing process as quickly as he could so that he could be ready for the summer, grass cutting, gardening, mulching. etc. Maddy played around him, excited to be with her "Pappyyyyy" and we soon said our good-byes, his hearing aide ringing in my ear because I so often would get too close and set off the feedback. God was so gracious to us during this visit, allowing circumstance to come together in such a way that allowed us to share such precious moments together, not even knowing what the next few days had in store.

I have been unable to fully describe the loss I have felt from his passing. My Granny and Pappy have held a very special and dear place in our lives since we were very young. When living in Germany, my family spent the summer months living with them on their small farm, cooking "weenies" on bonfires, fishing in the "crick", playing dress up in the back room, celebrating birthdays, reading, making jelly, picking blackberries, making pies, riding on the tractor, playing in the rain, the list goes on. In a time of transience and change, their house became what I would consider my home. Once, he tried to convince Nicole and I that they were moving across the street as a practical joke, only to then realize that we were devastated at this idea because their home was the only consistent house we had. My Pappy was like a second father to me, and my Granny, like a second mother. They made every effort to come to every musical performance, host us for frequent weekend visits, save baby birds that we found in the backyard, travel to crab fests, visit craft fairs, go out to eat at favorite restaurants, make pizza bread and other traditional Italian dishes together, and simply enjoy spending time together. He was a wonderful listener, always interested in how life had been treating us and always wanting to encourage patience, hard work, respect, and appreciation. 

His love for his family and friends was evidenced by all he poured his time and energy into, from fixing up old cars that he could take for a spin with us around his old neighborhoods, to cutting down trees that attracted bees and threatened the health of his grandchildren. He loved taking walks around the neighborhood and strove to do that every day for as long has his body would allow. Once great-grandchildren came along, his love grew even deeper and richer. Watching him with my cousin's children, seeing the twinkle in his eye as he drove them around in the trailer behind the tractor, or sat with them on his lap brought me joy. But, witnessing this same, abounding love for my own daughter, made me love him all the more. He never tired of holding her, even when she was fussy, and his persistence almost always led to him calming Maddy down so much that she would take a long nap in his arms. Because of this love and persistence, she knew him, and still knows him today.

My Pappy was a man of humor, an important characteristic not to be forgotten. He had nicknames for everyone (more more PC than others), including "pissant" and continually poking fun at Dan for the silly things he would do (poor guy, I definitely was the one to expose those stories). At the same time, he could talk about politics, stocks, and almost anything you would ever want or need to know about cars, home ownership, farming and mining. He was one of the most resourceful people I have ever met and if he didn't' know something, you could bet that he would find a book or resource so that he could learn more.

Perhaps one of the most daunting realizations in writing this entry is knowing that I can't create a picture here that fully illuminates the man he was and the sweet relationship we shared. There are so many stories that I want to share, so many memories that can only be captured by the quick flashes in my mind, too quick and rich to write down on paper to the extent they deserve.  I know for each one of my stories, there are dozens more that I have forgotten or that others experienced. But, this is what reminds me of the incredible blessing it was to have him in my life for as long as he was.

As I have mentioned before, my Pappy and Granny were the reason for the creation of this blog. Knowing that we would be having Madelyn while still in San Francisco and so far away from them, Dan and I wanted to create a way to keep them updated on all our experiences, adventures, and pictures during those months apart. With their encouragement, we continued on through the move and it provided a way to communicate with them even while he recovered after his surgery. He said he always enjoyed reading what I wrote, whether it was a lengthy diatribe about Barbara Streisand or a short children's book inspired by his own experiences and ideas. So, you see, writing for me is a consistent and special reminder of his love and encouragement.

This is now the year of firsts for our family.  The first walks, evenings, dinners, conversations, blog entries, etc as we allow ourselves to fully process and experience his loss. I continually catch smells that lead to memories in the most unexpected places - from spumoni icecream in the freezer section at the grocery store, to the smell of Lifesaver mints that we used to share on our trips home from the airport. As my Granny says, we just have to take one moment at a time and each day at a time. And so, here is my first - this one was for you, Pappy. xoxoxoxo

The Joys of Music, Books, and Food!

Here are some videos of Maddy enjoying her favorite things on this earth......

Music:

Books:

And FOOD:

And more Books!:

And the hair is.....

GONE!

Closer to a Sarah Harding look (ok, and no denying it...Justin Bieber...why oh why is a teenager ruling the hair world?) than Mae Whitman. But. it is ME and I love it! It is definitely more manageable and still long enough in the middle and on the right side to play with. WOOHOOOOOO

Did I mention I LOVE it? We have lots of events coming up this week - including Maddy's FIRST birthday, a wedding at the end of the week, and a trip to Pittsburgh so I am sure we will be snapping more photos soon. 

Thanks to those who voted. My prediction was actually not totally correct -though no guys voted for me to cut my hair (except for one who wanted someone to join him in the bald -before-30 club haha), there were actually a few chicas who voted to keep it long. 

Most importantly, thank you to Michaela at Transformations Salon in Ithaca, NY. Just wrote up a Yelp review so if you are in Ithaca and are in need of a great stylist, check it out. Michaela certainly has my endorsement!

Summer Goals Revisted

It's the first day of fall and that means it is time to take a quick look back at the summer and revisit summer goals! I thought it would be fun to also reflect and see what I learned through these experiences since the idea was to get me going with some things.

Ok, here it goes:

1. Nightly/Daily walks - Maddy and I have come close to doing daily walks here in Ithaca. However, the nightly walks have not happened. We have, however, visited Taughannock, Treman, and Buttermilk parks here already, walked around Beebe lake, and walked around the campus. Not too bad! I have picked flowers once at the Little Tree Orchards here while my parents visited. But, did not end up pressing any of them.

What I learned: I love taking walks! And I love taking them in while the leaves are turning especially.Since arriving in August, the leaves have quickly begun to turn and the air has become much cooler rapidly. The crisp, musky air envelops my senses and the sight of vibrant colors beginning to peak through the green veil..sigh...I have missed them!

2. Letter 1x per week - I have not written a letter 1x per week. I did however write several cards in the last few days of being in SF, and have written a smattering of cards here and there since I arrived (thank yous, I'm thinking about you, etc) so I am going to count this. I also like this idea while here in Ithaca and far away from those we love, so I'm going to spill it over into my fall goals.

What I learned: My handwriting needs some serious work...and I don't write letters nearly enough. I actually really enjoy it!

3. Picnic in Golden Gate park - I did this TWICE!! Woohoo! First time was with our friends Ryan and Leah where we had delicious Arguello Market sandwiches (oh how I miss you turkey and cranberry sandwich!) and talked for a while while basking in the gorgeous sun at the Conservatory of Flowers. So lovely - and we miss you Yokes! Second was with my dear friend Erin (who was visiting at the time), the wonderful Lockes, and the amazing Mercados. It was my last time seeing the Mercados (sigh, we miss you guys so much!) But, it was also a gorgeous day and there I again enjoyed a delicious sandwich from Arguello Market. After that, Erin and I headed back to the Lockes where we hung out for a while...I think we were super tired because the Lockes, Jeanne, and I had gone out for the late showing of Harry Potter the night before. SO good!

What I learned: The best riddle I've heard in a while..."You walk into a room and see a man shot in the head and bicycles all around. What happened?"

4.Plant herbs - This, I am not planning to do because I purchased and planted some indoor plants here.

Two things I learned:
a. DO NOT purchase soil from Walmart. Or at least not the one here. Their bags of soil are filled with these gnats that eat your plants and lay 10,000 eggs a day (oh joy!) in the soil and these feast on the pants' roots. These have killed my ivy plant already and forced me to get some new potting soil from Lowes (during which we had our East Coast earthquake).

b. DO purchase Natria - a spray that helps kill pests such as aphids (which I am now battling on one of my plants). Anyway, all that said, I have learned a great deal about dealing with these pests on a budget and my planting budget is shot for now. But, aside from the ivy, the plants are doing nicely - hopefully this will continue!

5. Learn 12 new dinners - Done and done - with one EXTRA for good measure. I really actually can't believe I finished this because I had completed ZERO once we arrived in Ithaca. Here are the 13 new dinners in the Ludwinski household.

- Stuffed Portobello Mushrooms

- Chicken stuffed with Ricotta and Spinach with vodka sauce and pasta

- Pan-cooked Chicken with Spinach

-Basil Steak and Rosemary Chicken Kabobs on the grill

-Chicken and Asparagus Pasta with Butternut Squash sauce made from scratch

-Eggplant Parmesan
- Butternut Squash Risotto
- Stuffed Bell Peppers
- Homemade Potato Soup
- Beef and Veggie stir-fry with Japanese rice noodles and homemade sauce
- Tilapia with Dill sauce and Asparagus
- Chili made with left overs
-Shells stuffed with Ricotta, Moz, Beef, and Spinach

Side note: Dan suggested I post the recipes for my readers and when I said not many people read this he said, "I read it!", to which I replied, "Ok, I'll post the recipes and then you can make our dinners" haha. Score!

I will post the recipes later.

Things I learned: I actually enjoy the challenge of spending as little as possible on good, healthy food! Stay tuned for a possible recipe series..The Cheapest Food Challenge - healthy recipes from Nicole and Ashley as they try to save more money than the other.

6. Homemade gifts - I only made one and this was a page of "advice" for my dear friends Lindsay and Brian who got married in New Hampshire a few weeks ago. The page went into a book that was filled with love and well wishes from the friends who attended their wonderful celebration. Their wedding was SPECTACULAR - just gorgeous and a wonderful day. I do have to say though, we awoke the next day to find that Maddy had removed her diaper and smeared poop all over her pack n play. OH. MY. GOODNESS. It smelled SO badly and took us 1.5 hours (no joke) to clean up thoroughly. Did I mention we were guests at the parents of the bride's house? Oh yes, indeed. I did tell Lindsay the whole story because I knew she'd get a laugh out of it - hopefully no remnants remained to tell the tale to others....

What I learned (through the reason for the homemade gift): Make sure Maddy wears something so she can't get to her diaper in the morning!

7. No jeans/pants week - Done and documented!

What I learned: I'm SO glad I live in this century where I can wear pants and jeans!!

8. Read 5 books - Working on it still. So far, I have read:

- "Bossypants" - Tina Fey

- Ruth

This will have to spill into my fall goals.

What I learned: I'm a slow reader in general, but when I am not enthralled by a story line, I dread reading. Therefore, it is easier just to watch TV or waste time on other things instead of reading. I need a designated time to read each day or I will just put it off indefinitely - I think nap time is a good place to start.

9. 1 sewing project - I have it picked out and ready to go! Still going to have to roll that over into fall.

What I learned: Sewing is not something I can just do...I like using patterns and being precise, so while it an be a hobby, it is not something that I can just pick up at any time and enjoy. I can get through a project and then need a break for a long while before returning to another.

10. No TV/Hulu 2x per week - not even close on this one. This is going to roll over into fall!

What I learned: I need to find some good books!

11. Design and get Tattoo - Done and documented! Woohoo! (and I still love it!)

What I learned: I really love having tattoos and hearing about tattoos that tell a story..and since having a kid, this one did not hurt nearly as much. I'm not saying that I will come home with sleeves of tattoos now. But, I certainly enjoy commemorating such incredible events in life and being able to tell others about them.

So there you have it. A relatively productive and busy summer come to a close. With that I have to say, Welcome back into my life, Fall. I'm so glad to see you again.

How to keep your science info sharp while raising a kid.....

Create a song!

So, I had this assistant teacher in 7th grade science (shout out to USC middle school IB people!) I don't remember his name...maybe Mr. Wyncoup?) He taught us this song about DNA to help us during a science test. I have remembered it since that day and have used it during everything from chemistry tests to science lessons for my own middle schoolers:

(Sing to "Row, row, row, your boat")

We love DNA made of nucleotides

Sugar, phosphate, and a base bonded down the side

Adenine and thymine make a lovely pair

Cytosine without guanine would be very bare

Ok, totally dorky, but come on..with an affinity for music this is.....awesome!

So, in that vein, here is my stab at a less catchy tune for the heck of it while I was feeding Maddy today. No, not trying to indoctrinate her. But, honestly, there is only so much "Ah ah apple" and "The Itsy Bitsy Spider" I can take! So before she has a say, time to sing some things to test myself too haha....then maybe if she ever decides she would like to study science, this stuff will be helpful. Or not...who knows ;)

Anyway..here it goes:

(Sing to bluesy tune like..."Pittsburgh's Goin' to the Super Bowl"(YES!) just realized the tune...just go up and down that scale...and oh yeah, we are going to the SB by the way ;P)

Yummy yummy yogurt oh it tastes so good

Good bacteria and milk make this excellent food

Receptors on our tongue work with electrical power

Sending signals to the brain to tell us yogurt is sour

Haha, this is fun! Now to go play with my daughter =)

On Creativity

Here is another TED talk I just watched....

Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love, on nurturing creativity.

Thoughts on this to follow tomorrow - I am no creative genius, but have to say, this spoke to me today regarding my struggle against thinking accomplishments determine my self-worth.